I'll be honest. I don't like leaving my house. My house is my comfort zone, somewhat literally. When you suffer from debilitating pain that can suddenly take away your ability to walk or grasp with your hands, and that pain comes on somewhat randomly, well, then there's a big difference between you leaving the hoise and me leaving the house. There was one time I had someone hold my purse, and he asked why it weighed 20 lbs. when it was so samll. I replied without thinking, "I have to carry so many emergency supplies. It's not just the emergency shot, it's not just the breakthrough medication so I don't throw up or become immobilized with pain. It's all the paperwork I have to carry that goes along with those medicines, all the doctor's business cards, all the emergency contacts (in case my phone is locked). And then there are the regular day to day items like wallet and keys. It is a minor logistical operation every time I leave the safety of my home. And that can create enough of a barrier to make me not want to go outside.
Even today— somehow my breakthrough medication fell out of my purse and I didn't have it on me when I needed. That meant having to muscle through an event, trying to concentrate, and also trying to keep my breakfast down. I learned earlier this week that movie theaters have only gotten louder since my migraines started. Apparently kids these days want to feel the movie explosions like some thrill ride, not just watch a story on screen. I about collapsed, and we were in the back row! (Thank goodness the feature was more an art house film, but even then there were parts in the soundtrack where I wanted to strangle the director, "Are you trying to hurt me? Stop the noise!" But thankfully those were few and far between.
But it made me realize, it's not just me! Well, it is mostly just me that reacts this way, but also, people are demanding more and more sensory input where I want less and less. As another blogger mentioned, I'd be happy if things were just normal for a while: "I want to sustain some sense of balance and maintain my work for a while." From Nikki's post, Maintaining consistancy is a good goal to have. And considering the roller coaster of pain we have ride "Forever," a nice, flat straightaway is a good change of pace.
So is it any wonder I find myself dreading the moment I know I have to let go of the handle of my front door? Not really. I don't know what to expect as much as the next person, but I can guarentee there is a high likelyhood that I experience pain. Sure, that pain is just as likely at home, but at home I know I can find comfort, I have the tools at hand that I need to take care of myself. It feels safer to stay at home because it is safer to stay at home.
But with spring exploding outside and around me, I also have a draw to be outside, to be with people, to explore, and discover, and grow. (My garden is full of little potato plants that have just burst through the soil!) I want to be able to be out there, engaged with other people, helping my community. And that very real fear of being stuck somewhere, in pain, unable to make my way home, can stop me from stepping outside my home.
I think, like Ms. Albert mentioned, I need to scale down my goals. Though I clearly have spring fever, I can pace myself as well. When I learned to ride a bike, it wasn't all at once. I started on a Big Wheel, moved up to a tricycle, then a bike with training wheels, then just one training wheel, and when I graduated to two wheel was when I realized the third wheel was causing me more trouble than helping. I had learned how to balance myself even as the bike moved from side to side beneath me. I learned how to feel the invisible tug of inertia and gravity and use those forces to balance and propel myself forward without thinking.
I am not there with my chronic illness yet. I need the training wheels of an emergency stash of pills in case they fall out of my purse at home. I need the emergency shot and the pounds of paperwork that go with all these medications. I am not in the clear yet. So it's perfectly okay for me to be cautious, and scale back my ambition to a more acheivable level. Does that make me less capable? Hardly. Though I may not be able to soar on invisible forces like I did as a kid, I now respond to much more serious invisible forces, and it's a testiment to my hard work that I am able to do what I can now, even if it's only at Big Wheel level.
Recovery is not a straight line, it is a ribbon that we follow through many twists and loops. We are always moving forward along the strand, even if it looks like we've fallen back. And it's okay for me to pace my recovery at a rate where I'm comfortable. After all, I'm the only one who really knows what's going on inside me. When consistancy has been gone for so long, it is a worthwhile goal to have.
Thank for the reminder, Nikki!
Even today— somehow my breakthrough medication fell out of my purse and I didn't have it on me when I needed. That meant having to muscle through an event, trying to concentrate, and also trying to keep my breakfast down. I learned earlier this week that movie theaters have only gotten louder since my migraines started. Apparently kids these days want to feel the movie explosions like some thrill ride, not just watch a story on screen. I about collapsed, and we were in the back row! (Thank goodness the feature was more an art house film, but even then there were parts in the soundtrack where I wanted to strangle the director, "Are you trying to hurt me? Stop the noise!" But thankfully those were few and far between.
But it made me realize, it's not just me! Well, it is mostly just me that reacts this way, but also, people are demanding more and more sensory input where I want less and less. As another blogger mentioned, I'd be happy if things were just normal for a while: "I want to sustain some sense of balance and maintain my work for a while." From Nikki's post, Maintaining consistancy is a good goal to have. And considering the roller coaster of pain we have ride "Forever," a nice, flat straightaway is a good change of pace.
So is it any wonder I find myself dreading the moment I know I have to let go of the handle of my front door? Not really. I don't know what to expect as much as the next person, but I can guarentee there is a high likelyhood that I experience pain. Sure, that pain is just as likely at home, but at home I know I can find comfort, I have the tools at hand that I need to take care of myself. It feels safer to stay at home because it is safer to stay at home.
But with spring exploding outside and around me, I also have a draw to be outside, to be with people, to explore, and discover, and grow. (My garden is full of little potato plants that have just burst through the soil!) I want to be able to be out there, engaged with other people, helping my community. And that very real fear of being stuck somewhere, in pain, unable to make my way home, can stop me from stepping outside my home.
I think, like Ms. Albert mentioned, I need to scale down my goals. Though I clearly have spring fever, I can pace myself as well. When I learned to ride a bike, it wasn't all at once. I started on a Big Wheel, moved up to a tricycle, then a bike with training wheels, then just one training wheel, and when I graduated to two wheel was when I realized the third wheel was causing me more trouble than helping. I had learned how to balance myself even as the bike moved from side to side beneath me. I learned how to feel the invisible tug of inertia and gravity and use those forces to balance and propel myself forward without thinking.
I am not there with my chronic illness yet. I need the training wheels of an emergency stash of pills in case they fall out of my purse at home. I need the emergency shot and the pounds of paperwork that go with all these medications. I am not in the clear yet. So it's perfectly okay for me to be cautious, and scale back my ambition to a more acheivable level. Does that make me less capable? Hardly. Though I may not be able to soar on invisible forces like I did as a kid, I now respond to much more serious invisible forces, and it's a testiment to my hard work that I am able to do what I can now, even if it's only at Big Wheel level.
Recovery is not a straight line, it is a ribbon that we follow through many twists and loops. We are always moving forward along the strand, even if it looks like we've fallen back. And it's okay for me to pace my recovery at a rate where I'm comfortable. After all, I'm the only one who really knows what's going on inside me. When consistancy has been gone for so long, it is a worthwhile goal to have.
Thank for the reminder, Nikki!
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