I was in the hospital for three days when my four+ year migraine first lasted a week. I was put on IV-DHE, and for thirty blessed hours, my heat went from level ten to Zero. It was a miracle, and that first success fueled me for the next four years. I knew it was possible, so I could get there again. Oddly, however, when my head pain went away, a whole new pain came back, one that had been completely overwhelmed by my head pain to the point I didn't notice it. It was a wound left over from a three-day course of high steriods, and man did it hurt now! This is what we call a problem of success, and I'm going through one now.
The success is that I'm in remission. The migraines have been fewer, and I'm much stronger on no prednisone. My body can react in the moment to stress, instead of getting a full dose of cortisol in the morning and a shot for When Things Really Get BadTM. It's nice to have peace of mind knowing my body Will take care of itself.
Only, my body is taking care of it self and it's much LOUDER ABOUT THE PAIN! Ugh. I can only laugh, really. My grandmother had a saying, "Life is NOT for sissies!" And boy howdy was she a trooper! I can only hope to life up to her performance, nevermind the performance her mother did. (I let you all in on my inner thoughts so that maybe, through my struggles, you can find some peace of mind that you're not alone!) I've got some work to do, that's for sure.
But then a heap of problems can also bring about unexpected success. I, for one, was a horrible speller growing up. I hated vocabulary and was often teased for my phoenetic spellings. Today I was trying to spell filet mignon for a story I'm working on and was delighted to discover I'd stuck in an extra 'i', but besides that, I got it right! No reversed letters, no mis-heard vowels, and the next time, I had it right for sure! Such a good feeling to triumph after a long struggle. Each milestone counts.
And I can remember that works for struggling with my body, too. There are moments when the conditions are right and I can move without thinking about it, when it doesn't hurt all over. If, with the help of my doctors, we can find the right combination of chemicals to set my nervous system straight, chemicals that don't interfere with my mind but instead improve my abilities, then I am thrilled to do the work. I am chomping at the bit to be able to work and connect myself with the world again.
I despair being caught in a cage, whether my body or my apartment. I have someone with me now who can help me reconnect (because he wasn't disconnected like I was). I have skills I want to use to help communicate complex ideas in language that helps everyone understand, and I love dealing with engineers and quick-minded people. And I know that this is not drug seeking because there are whole classes of drugs that I won't take: benzos, ritilin, anything that affects my norepinepherine levels including what they put in novocaine nowadays (I learned that one the hard way). Including not too many opioids because it causes me to sleepwalk. I've left a building dead asleep, no thank you.
I'm a tough nut to crack, but I'm willing to do the homework to get me back on track. Setbacks will come, and new solutions are often required. It takes perserverence to overcome the insurmountable. We don't know success is on the other side, but it certainly isn't here, so let's keep marching... With all this $#!+, there's a pony around here somewhere!
There will be problems and there will be success. Much like energy and mass, they are completely interchangable.
The success is that I'm in remission. The migraines have been fewer, and I'm much stronger on no prednisone. My body can react in the moment to stress, instead of getting a full dose of cortisol in the morning and a shot for When Things Really Get BadTM. It's nice to have peace of mind knowing my body Will take care of itself.
Only, my body is taking care of it self and it's much LOUDER ABOUT THE PAIN! Ugh. I can only laugh, really. My grandmother had a saying, "Life is NOT for sissies!" And boy howdy was she a trooper! I can only hope to life up to her performance, nevermind the performance her mother did. (I let you all in on my inner thoughts so that maybe, through my struggles, you can find some peace of mind that you're not alone!) I've got some work to do, that's for sure.
But then a heap of problems can also bring about unexpected success. I, for one, was a horrible speller growing up. I hated vocabulary and was often teased for my phoenetic spellings. Today I was trying to spell filet mignon for a story I'm working on and was delighted to discover I'd stuck in an extra 'i', but besides that, I got it right! No reversed letters, no mis-heard vowels, and the next time, I had it right for sure! Such a good feeling to triumph after a long struggle. Each milestone counts.
And I can remember that works for struggling with my body, too. There are moments when the conditions are right and I can move without thinking about it, when it doesn't hurt all over. If, with the help of my doctors, we can find the right combination of chemicals to set my nervous system straight, chemicals that don't interfere with my mind but instead improve my abilities, then I am thrilled to do the work. I am chomping at the bit to be able to work and connect myself with the world again.
I despair being caught in a cage, whether my body or my apartment. I have someone with me now who can help me reconnect (because he wasn't disconnected like I was). I have skills I want to use to help communicate complex ideas in language that helps everyone understand, and I love dealing with engineers and quick-minded people. And I know that this is not drug seeking because there are whole classes of drugs that I won't take: benzos, ritilin, anything that affects my norepinepherine levels including what they put in novocaine nowadays (I learned that one the hard way). Including not too many opioids because it causes me to sleepwalk. I've left a building dead asleep, no thank you.
I'm a tough nut to crack, but I'm willing to do the homework to get me back on track. Setbacks will come, and new solutions are often required. It takes perserverence to overcome the insurmountable. We don't know success is on the other side, but it certainly isn't here, so let's keep marching... With all this $#!+, there's a pony around here somewhere!
There will be problems and there will be success. Much like energy and mass, they are completely interchangable.
No comments:
Post a Comment