Tuesday, February 9, 2016

New Year - New Goals

Apologies for my absence. Life got very real. Things are finally going to be set straight.

I used to have a rule: Never live south of the Mason-Dixon line. And if you know your American History, you know that St. Louis is below that line. Now, I have much love for The Lou and many a fond memory here. But in many ways this place is NOT good for me. Allergies for one. Weather for two. I need a dry climate. I can handle my nerves when it's cold and dry. Mongolia would be perfect for me. St. Louis is hot, humid, and wet. Half this place is reclaimed swampland. Pam + St. Louis = bad.

Add to that the research I compiled while I took my online vacation: it is damn near impossible to get legal pain prescriptions in Missouri. I have talked to multiple patients, I have made my own attempts only to be told the pain clinic makes no prescriptions.... I cannot find treatment here. My father's clients find any drug they need on the streets. They get hundreds of milligrams of methadone a day from the drug programs (often sold at $20 for 75mg). But if you have a legitimate pain problem, you're screwed.

So it's back to the land of sanity, and it's time to make a few changes.
1. I must quit smoking. The nicotine helps the migraines but my lungs are shot. If I'm going to live at 6,000ft, I need as much oxygen as I can get.
2. I must get better at posting here. The hiatus was necessary. I needed a walkabout. But it's time to come home.
3. I need to rent a house. Apartment/condo living is NOT for me. I need my sanctuary in which I can heal when I hurt.
4. Work. This SSDI is not cutting it. Not in this economy.
5. Publish the paperback. It's time.
6. Find my people.

Long term:
7. Financial stability (difficult with a chronic illness, but not impossible with work income)
8. Adopt

I became lost after the "But You Don't Look Sick" messages boards were taken down. It was like someone had come in and burned my village. I don't know where my tribe is anymore. We scattered to the wind and I can see no other villages in the distance. I need to be with my people again. Their support was amazing and got me through so much. I miss it terribly.

I need to shoot for the dream I've had since I was a little girl: I need to adopt. I need to be a foster parent. That's a piece of me I've left unfulfilled for too long. My body can't make children, not without a lot of expensive help. But that doesn't mean I can't be a mom. I will be a mom.

It's time. Happy Year of the Monkey!