Thursday, March 17, 2016

My Peace

Peace is often the first thing to go with a chronic pain condition. Your body is not at peace. Your mind is not at peace. Even sleep refuses to be a safe haven. So when you do find the right combination of medications that puts the symptoms to bed, the peace that follows can be such a foreign feeling that its stillness roars.

My doctors and I have found that sweet spot, we know exactly where it lives, with a new added bonus: I require even less medication to acheive the same degree of control. The miracle required for improvement turned out to be very simple (and please don't laugh, I know some of you have been saying this for years): I quit smoking. Now I break out in hives if I try to take even one puff. What I didn't realize is how much of a toll fighting off that allergy was having on the rest of me! Now my pain is less, my energy is higher, I'm off the oxygen even at elevation and I'm feeling like a new woman.


This is why I hang on with all my might. This is why I try to be grace under pressure. This is why I try new things and take the risk to travel despite it all. Because only once will it get so awful that there's no coming back. Every time before then is just another trial to go through to reach peace and happiness on the other side. Until it's the last time, time will always change things. It may not change the things I want changed with the promptness in which I want them changed, but that's just my impatience. If I am able to wait long enough, something new will come along for me. And it really helps to keep a good sense of humor in the meantime.

This is why I was so frustrated— because this peace was just outside of reach for so long! We knew the answer. We could see it right in front of us. But a giant chasm of beurocracy had opened up and we just couldn't get there from here at the time. And now that the chasm has be crossed and I've arived, all that frustration and stress is melting from my shoulders. I am in control of my pain, it does not control me. I have the tools I need to tame the beast. I'll never have to doubt my ability to do something. I know I can do it. No longer do I have to cautiously think about each move. Now I can move without thinking, which allows me to concentrate on better things.

The relief from no longer having to worry from moment to moment, "Am I okay? Am I going to be okay?" allows everything else. "Yes, I'm okay, what do you need?" That statement is the difference between an employee and a consumer. Put me on the production side, always. I will be a contributing member of society, with joy. The only thing I might complain about is my commute. Everything is manageable.

Peace of body, peace of mind, peace of life.