Friday, November 11, 2011

Testing limits

I was a precocious kid, and into everything. Attempt to hide something up and far away, and I would just find a way to climb and scurry to where it was found. Leave me alone in a room and you just may come back to find I'd taken apart the furniture out of curiosity. I've always been very good at testing limits. Every once in a while, I still like to test the boundaries of my disease. This morning, it heartily reminded me: it's still here.

I'm usually very good about keeping a schedule for my pills and sleep. I would do the same for food, except my chronic nausea is too unpredictable for meal times. I wasn't always this good. I learned the hard way. When I stick to a schedule, I just feel better. I'm more functional and I can get more things done. My mood is better when I wake up in the morning and go to bed at a decent hour. Does this mean I can always do this? No. There's always the occasional migraine that throws the whole system out of whack, and then it's a few days or a week before I can get my health back in the groove again. I try to avoid scheduling things in the morning, because it's always a coin toss how I'm going to wake up. I always make sure to get a full nights sleep before I have to go meet anyone for anything.

Last night, I pushed it. Not only did I stay up late, but I woke up early, and I used an alarm clock. I gave up alarm clocks a long time ago. The sudden jarring from sleep sends my adrenaline rushing into my system, which makes me really, really ill. Imagine the symptoms of a stomach flu for a few hours every morning. That's what alarm clocks to do me. Nausea isn't the best thing to have when you're trying to keep pills in the belly. I canceled this morning's meeting and crawled back into bed.

Yeah, I really screwed up this morning. But I'm putting it in the #winning column anyway. There are reasons why I live the life the way I do, and those reasons are good ones. I can relax now and know that I'm doing well enough. Forcing myself to work harder isn't going to make this situation better yet. I'm still fragile. That's okay... I can work within those limits and still be wonderful.

Testing limits as a kid may have annoyed the hell out of my parents, but it sure is a useful skill to have when battling a disease!


  1. Pushing it is part of then fun! (not!) I can over do it so easily and then spend days wishing I hadn't. Sometimes you just have to push the boundaries.

    Much love
    Rach xx

  2. I'm generally very careful. But every once in a while I have to make sure that the boundary is still there for a reason and not just there out of fear, ya know?