Saturday, February 25, 2012

Opioid Narcotics!!! Why have you forsaken me?!?!?

I can't take narcotics anymore, and it's not for all the reasons we see in the media. Here I thought it was just a matter of communication and proving myself a model, responsible patient. I could get the narcotics, return to work and get on with my life. The best laid plans of mice and men often go wrong. I got the communication down. I proved myself a model citizen. I got the extended release morphine pills.... and they're worthless!! I can't be on a medication that makes me feel like I have the flu if I decided to sleep in on a Saturday morning.

The problem is if I don't take it at the same time every day---that means weekends, holidays, days with the flu, zombie apocalypse, it doesn't matter... If I don't take the medication at the same time every day, I get withdrawals. I'm on a baby dose compared to what I took back in the day for my migraines. I used to be able to go a few days before I started getting withdrawal symptoms. Not anymore. Now it's hours. If I get food poisoning, stomach flu or a bad migraine where I can't keep a pill in my system, I'm screwed. I'm trying to make my body more reliable. Not less reliable. So now, the payoff is not worth the price. This sucks!!! I refuse to start my mornings shivering in cold sweats. I remember now why I took myself off these damn things as soon as we had fixed the migraines.

It's ironic to me that doctors would keep such a safeguard on opioids. Right now, everyone acts like they're this siren's song, that once you taste of the forbidden fruit, you'll never want to return to the shores of reality... Dear lord, opioids are not that wonderful!!! They don't imbue me with a sense of community and family. They don't fill me with a feeling of purpose. They don't give me a sense of self-esteem. They're a tool that allows me greater access to my body so I can achieve those other things. And unfortunately for me, they're a lousy tool at that.

Last night I dreamt that I was running my own little cafe/bakery. I was dealing with customers, shipping and stocking, arranging the little cupcake treats in the display case. It's an old childhood dream of mine that I sometimes actually dream about. All mundane. And wonderful. Because it's with none of the thoughts that I normally have to have to get through a day. When I dream, I always dream of a not-sick me... a not-in-pain me... a me that isn't suddenly surprised by physical limitations or symptoms. In the dream, when I want to do something, I simply do it.

I woke up to a body that was not my own---it belonged to the symptoms. There was no deciding what to do with my morning. It had already decided for me. I was going to have muscle spasms in my throat. I was going to alternate between feeling like I'm starving and feeling like I wanted to vomit. I would go from boiling hot to freezing cold and back again in moments. I was going to shake. I was going to be irritable and self-centered. I was going to be miserable, until I'd swallowed the right things, did the right stretches, took a shower and all the other things my body demanded, first. I am not going to wake up like this ever again if I can help it.

I may never get back to a place of wellness again. My life might always be complicated health-wise. I'm strong. I can take it. But I'm not about to be making a situation worse. I'm no fool. And it's plain enough that for me, at least, opioid narcotics are not the answer. Not at this time. Not for these reasons. I simply have to find another way. I have to wait for the science to evolve, a new drug or therapy developed, something... I'm going to go back to the pain clinic and let them know that I don't want opioids.

Back to the drawing board.

Edited to add:
It's absolutely the narcotics. If I try to sleep in to rest, my body turns into feeling like it's on the surface of Venus and on the continent of Antarctica, all at the same time. The second these damn kidney stones are out, I'm off these things. Done.

Added March 6, 2012
Spoke with my GP and we're going to change around how I just my medication. The Ultram is going to be for break-through pain, instead of all day, and I'm going to see if switching that behavior and keeping the extended release morphine cuts down on the withdrawal. It is helping, so he wants me to try this. Neither of us wants me to go any higher, so I can try staying off the night time dose. However, if it's still a problem, I can come back in and we can discuss things further.

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