I had received my prescription, and I had taken my pills. It had been long enough for the pills to get into my system. And I want to go do something, bracing myself for the pain and exhaustion that would follow. But it didn't come. At first I didn't believe it. I thought it was just waiting around the corner, ready to pounce on me, as it had done, every single time, for the past 10 years. I could do things, sure, but there was always a monster of consuming pain, waiting for me on the other side. Not this time. I had pain control.
I couldn't believe it. I did a quiet dance in my head. I didn't dare celebrate yet. I'd had drugs work for 20 hours then quit (Depakote). I'd had drugs work for 3 days then quit (Neurontin). I had to be cautious with my optimism, but it was there. A rising joy that maybe this time we'd finally gotten it right. I had faith in this medication, after all, it's a narcotic. I'd had narcotics not work on me before (Fentanyl), so I knew if this one worked at all is should work completely. And signs were good! The monster wasn't there. The room usually filled with pain and agony, was empty. I was stunned.
And now I'm stunned that I'm giddy with happiness to do stupidly bothersome chores, like mow the lawn. It's hard, and I need to use my mind as well as my body. And every moment I can sweat and exert my muscles, I'm just laughing with delight inside. I haven't been able to do this, even if I wanted to, even if I had to, for 10 years. Now I can, and it's marvelous! Being able to clean the house? Yes, please!! OMG, everything is showroom perfect!
I do have to pace myself, but now I can trust my body to be more realistic in its complaints! I'm not going to be punished for every little thing I do! I'm not in trouble anymore. I can make my life my own again---I have the freedom to make the choices >I want to make, rather than have my body just say no. Oh.... it's so AMAZING!!
There's so much that I want to do, and like a little kid who has finally been let out for summer, I'm going after everything I put on my wish list or jealousy list while I was sick. Gardening is the first. I want fresh grown fruit for my jams and pies! Hold the phone, it's so wonderful! And Asian veggies?? OMG, must have! This is all so brilliant.
Every morning, I'm happy to wake up. Even if I've got a migraine to ride, that's okay. I can ride it. I might have some terrible mood swings, but they'll pass. I HAVE PAIN CONTROL!! That means that none of this stuff stops me anymore. It can fuss and fight me all it wants, but in the end, I'm going to win now. I'm not going to have to set my life aside for anything, ever again.