Monday, February 17, 2014

Negative Nancy

I didn't want it to happen, but it has. I have become so jaded that people assume I'm just being negative. They don't see the scars of experience that led me to think this way. I know people block and don't read my Facebook posts because they can't handle it. Hell, if I didn't have to endure this, I wouldn't listen to it either!! So I'm grateful when people do. Sadly, that gratitude can turn on it's head if I'm told that things can't be as bad as they seem, that I must be exaggerating, because life just isn't like that. Nothing gets my Scottish up faster than trying to tell me what I experienced wasn't real, that I must be imagining things...

I know why people don't want to be around me. I don't want to be around me. But I don't know how to be any other way. I'm not negative because it's reeling me tons and tons of rewards! I'm negative because that's what keeps me safe. It's the most horrible form of negative reinforcement I can think of, because it works.

Now, I know what your thinking. How can you assume things are going to turn out badly? And I'd pose the same question back to you: How can you assume things are going to work out? Neither of us truly knows. We're basing it on our experience. And 50% of the time (going by actual statistics, not imaginary ones), you'd be right. Which is why it works for you. Hell, Vegas odds, terrible though they are, work well for most people!

Here's my experiences that tell me I am within perfect rights to be freaking out right now.

I was told that there was no way I could have adrenal insufficiency and then the tests came back that it was worse, it was secondary adrenal insufficiency and my thyroid & gonads also didn't work. 

I was told there was no way my pain could be as bad as I said it was, and then I find out that I'm the only person in the bionic device study who useso the device at 20, that most people use it between 4 and 8, and I was going to need an extra battery because the machine wasn't designed to be on that long

I was also told that the reason they couldn't let the bionic device go any higher is because after 20 milliamps, that's when you literally start frying nerves, and they couldn't risk that and still get FDA approval

I've had a hospital try to tell me it was a panick attack when it was actually two 7mm kidney stones

When I went in for my root canals, the orthodontist said he's never seen teeth rot that fast, even in patients that never use a tooth brush. He's had cancer patients and Sjogren's patients, and this is still unlike anything he's ever seen.

Last November when I called for an ambulance because I was feeling funny, I though I was about to have a seizure. However, when they looked at my bloodwork, my potassium was so low they were shocked I didn't have a heart attack. 

It's not like I immediately beeline for the worst possible outcome. I know it's bad, I go get it checked, and then I'm told in no uncertain terms that I am a total freak of nature, and that they have no idea what to do with me. 

So when people try to tell me "I can see how you feel that way, but it can't be that bad..." It's all I can do to keep from screaming back, "You're right! It's worse!"

But who makes friends that way?

I don't want to be a Negative Nancy, but is it my fault she's right? 

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