Thursday, May 1, 2014

Pain Induced Insecurity

No matter how successful I get, #pain can make me feel lower than worms. I'm not talking about the migraine mood swings I've mentioned before. I'm talking about the feelings that really intense pain causes in an of itself.

The first question pain always asks is: "Why is this happening?" If there's a satisfactory answer (example: you're sitting on your leg and your foot has fallen asleep) then appropriate action is taken (you change how your sitting and rub your leg) and the pain resolves itself. Greater injury requires greater courses of action, of course, but most pain serves a purpose. They believe even migraine pain, since it's the 2nd prevalent disease (second only to cavities) world-wide, serves a purpose. But no one has a good answer to the question why we get migraine pain. So it should be no surprise that when that pain occurs, without a satisfactory answer, what's left in its place is a gaping hole of insecurity.

Did I do something wrong? was it something I ate? Was it something I didn't eat? Was it my sleep or lack thereof? Is it the weather? Am I coming down from stress? Have I take my medication? Is the medication working? Would it help if I were in a cold, dark, quiet room? Or should I be in the shower with hot water and ice packs? Should I sleep or will lying down make this worse? HOW DO I MAKE THIS STOP???!!!

Usually followed closely by:

Why is this happening to me?

Which of course leads to:

What did I do to deserve this???

The answer is: Absolutely nothing.

But of course it doesn't feel that way. It feels like Hell. It feels like unholy torment on Earth. And when there's not good answer why, all that's left is a feeling of unjust despair.

That's why it is SO important to have a distant shore on which to set your sites. A distant shore is a goal, something on which you've set your sites. It has to be something for you and for others, so that other people need you, and you want to do it for yourself and your own self-esteem as well. It could be seeing your kids graduate, or health activism that you do online, involvement in your religion, or in a peer-support group (if you can't find one, start one!). Whatever works for you as a far and distant shore, make one.

The result is something to fight for, a reason to tell the insecurities, Hush up now. You're only temporary. You will go away when the pain is gone, and hopefully that means soon. In the meantime you mean nothing, because I have PLANS, see, and I'll be right back at 'em when you're gone.

But, oh, having just having come from that experience I can tell you I felt lower than a ketchup stain ground into a Manhattan sidewalk by a million pedestrian commuters. The only benefit is, it's Manhattan! lol Seriously, though, I'm so glad I had something to look forward to once I got well. I really like the thought that I didn't have time for this because I had too much to do! After so many years of being crippled and incapable of production because of pain, it's nice to have a shore I know I will be working towards when I'm well again.

When I reach that shore, I rejoice, celebrate, relax, and then once fully savored, I set another distant shore. ;)

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