I've been thinking about it for a few days because it's been weighing heavily on my heart. Here I am, blogging away, getting all this support from you, and I have a difficult time turning around and reading what you---my fellow bloggers---have written. Oh, sometimes I'll rediscover Google Reader and go on a blog reading binge. But most of the time I don't keep up. And it's the same reason that healthy people have a difficult time talking to us: It hurts too much to know.I want to be there for you, to help cheer you on, to lift your spirits up... I want to hear about how you're succeeding, because I want you to be successful in your life. I have trouble hearing about the struggle, pain, and heartache. I want to recognize and deal with that. I want to help. However, I want to keep my mind focused on the positive, and that's difficult to do when I'm reading stories about the negative.
And that's what's so difficult about talking to people with chronic illnesses! If we look at the illness, that's a lot of struggle, a lot of disappointment, a lot of heart-break, a lot to despair over... And for so many people where there's only treatment, never a cure... And for so many other people for whom the illness is just a fight to have it not kill you... I really don't want to hear about how an illness is overwhelming and swallowing up your life.
See, the problem is, I've been through that. When you tell the story of your pain, I feel your pain, I remember my pain. It all comes back in a horrible flood of traumatic memories. I can't handle that on a regular basis. It's too much. I have to be in a mood that feels like every problem is solvable, and I am mighty, before I have the strength to read other blogs. Otherwise, I could find myself awash in memories that then trigger me and leave me shuddering...
I want to hear about everything you're grateful for despite what's going on. I want to hear about how it's difficult, but that you're learning coping (or you're fighting to learn how to cope). I want to hear about how you're successful in dealing with your disease. I want to hear about the humor you've picked up along the way... I want to know about you---your hopes, your dreams, your inspirations. I want to know how your beating back the darkness.
I know about the darkness. I've traveled enough of its depths already. I don't want to know more. That's why I don't read other patient's blogs. It hurts.
Forgive me?
My Daily Guide
ReplyDeleteJoy, praise, gratitude,
compassion is another,
these guide me daily.
I acknowledge well
the power sadness carries.
It may burden me.
Adhering to hope,
I blunt the weight of sorrow.
The possible holds.
Yes! You're forgiven. But forgiveness is not is really necessary, only compassion.
I forgive you! I totally get it. I read very few blogs, only a handful that are positive and productive and don't drag me down. So take it as a compliment that you are one of the handful!
ReplyDeleteI *do* take it as a compliment!! Be sure to tap me on the shoulder if I ever lose sight of being positive and productive, eh? ;)
DeleteRecently I saw Demi Lovato on TV. She spoke of her Bipolar disorder and how she was "happy" to be diagnosed, that it helped her understand her manic positive behaviors, such as staying up all night making music, and know she is not crazy." I felt anger at this statement because I felt she downplayed the disease. She looked like a ray of sunshine announcing it. I felt like a rain cloud. Then I thought about it and realized that her minimizing the disease helped others not make a big deal of it. After some reflection I decided that I would jump on the bandwagon of this positive outlook because, as you mentioned, continuing to focus on the negative simply hurts. Thank you for your blog!
ReplyDeleteYou're very welcome. And thank you so much for sharing your insight and change-of-heart! It was a long struggle for me to realize that seeing my situation for how horrible it was, was no longer constructive. I thought I needed to concentrate on the blackness to keep me safe. But it didn't keep me any safer, and in the meantime, I felt like crap!
DeleteAnd I realize too that I have to train myself to see the goodness. I've been concentrating on the bad for so long, that it's difficult to see the good. I need to train my brain to spot happiness.
But it is possible, so I'm gonna work it... Good luck to you, too! We can do this ^_^