Monday, January 13, 2014

No More Fear

Having just discovered @AdamsLisa's "struggle" over the ethics of intimite blogging, I have realized one huge thing: I am no longer afraid. I used to have this constant fear that everything was going to come to ruin and it would be all my fault. Call it a hold-over from childhood, call it a realistic realization of the human condition, whatever. Doesn't matter. I had it, and it DROVE me. I pre-emptively made amends so no one could be mad at me, or at least to soften the blow (you were warned...). But when I woke up this morning, having slept through my alarm and missed jury duty (where I'd already missed the first deadline 6 days ago) and I finally realized what my mother told me years ago, and I was at peace... with my shortcomings. I finally realized I have always done everything in my power. That's never a question. My motives are pure. But whether or not that works is an entirely different matter!

Back when my mother was an Officer in the Navy, she lost her orders. Now, the one thing they told you to Never, EVER do was lose your orders. But what could she do? They were gone and she needed to be somewhere. Of course, when she went to go get a copy she got chewed out and fed a bunch of shoulda/coulda/wouldas.... that didn't phase her. She looked at the official and said without emotion, "Look, this can't be the first time this has happened in the history of the Navy. Certainly you have some process in place to handle this. Can we please start that now?" 

Truth is, most of us are so goddamn busy beating outselves up in our own head thar we LOVE an opportunity to feel better than THAT guy. So of course your gonna get a hard time. Suck it up, Princess. Easily avoided in the future, no use crying now. Get on with it... you still got needs to fill.

Which is why the whole idea of a blog about surviving cancer raising ethical questions just seems so laughable to me. So what your saying is.... we can have campaigns, ribbons, awareness, movies about, human quests for, and all that other crap we have swirling around cancer, but when one woman chooses to tell what she's experiencing herself, that's what's "over the line"?!? Wow... 

I think this must be the sense of liberation that combat troops feel... You're so worryied about whether or not you're going to live or die that you can't do your job. But you've overlooked one simple fact: you're already dead. That's going to happen. There is already a bullet with your name on it. The thing to ask is what are you going to do until then?

There is no way for me to avoid screwing up. Mistake areg onna happen [sic], and sometimes it's my poor judgement, and sometimes not. Blame doesn't matter. However "THIS" happened doesn't matter. It's already happened. What am I going to do now? It's very straight-forward, it's very matter of fact. There's nothing special about it. So why one earth invest the time, energy, and worry? Why get worked up about it? What does that help? 

I know I can get a job done. I know what I'm capable of, and what I'm not capable of. I can be honest about that. The only surprises here are things that surprise me too... I'm not tring to hide, cajole, influence, manipulate or anything else, unless I am, and then you'll clearly know about it. I can live with who I am today, meet my gaze in the mirror, and hold my head high even as I'm pointing out my faults to you. That is an incredible feeling, I cannot tell you. 

There are no "ethical questions" raised by blogging your slow death from cancer. If we can make fiction about the same thing (Bucket List anyone?) why does the real thing scare us so much? It's not like it will go away if we stop talking about it!! Last I checked, everyone living dies of something, and we talk about that all the time without thinking we're raising "ethical questions." You cannot say: "Thou shall not..." This is her life

You might as well ask her cancer if it's ethical for it to create disease. You might even get an answer.

If you do, tell me.

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