Thursday, March 27, 2014

Outlasting the Crash

You'd think after 11 years I'd handle these #rises & #falls better, but I'd be lying if I told you that my depression two days ago didn't feel exactly like my depression in 2005, when I would cry myself to sleep in my shower. Isn't that funny? After all this time, and all my accomplishments, none of that matters when the symptoms take hold and send me spiraling through that same old routine.

In a way, though, it's freeing. If each time it happens it's the same no matter what's going on in my life, then it can't have anything to do with me personally! Let me say that again: if my soul-crushing depression is the same today as it was seven years ago, that means those feelings are the disease, and have nothing to do with me. I've changed a lot in the last seven years, and made amazing strides. My disease has progressed, but not in such a way to overwhelm me completely. I'm not dealing with a sudden blindness or the loss of a limb that would turn my whole world on it's head. Nothing so dramatic. So if the depression is the same, "ALL IS DOOM!!" feelings, it stands to reason the two are NOT connected!

This is why the friends who know me know to take these phases with a grain of salt, comfort me as best they can, remind me of the reality of things in a calm, non-judging way... But pretty much we all just have to wait until the storm has passed and I get to be me again. That can take days, and depending on the season, weeks. Spring and the Summer rains here are the hardest for me. When the barometer goes on a roller coaster ride, so do I. (This being Colorado, by Spring rain, I of course mean snow.)

I wish I could be a courageous leader all the time. I wish I could always rally the flag. I wish I could always be the light in the darkness for others, and not get afraid of the dark myself. (There's something moving out there!!! Oh, wait. It's me. I'm caught on the blankets.) But then of course I have to remember, I wasn't born a machine, nor was my intended purpose to be one. "I make mistakes, therefore I am..." -St. Augustine (Hippo) (Hey, if a saint can do no better, what do I expect?!)

Now that I have survived the low part of the crash, I'm starting to feel hopeful again. I have a lot of "homework" and research to do, but the Independent Living Center I'm working with now makes me feel a lot less afraid. I don't think I'm quite at the level where I can participate in the Plan to Achieve Self-Support just yet (I still have yet to meet with a kidney doctor to know what I can expect of my new diagnosis, but it's on the calendar). In the meantime, however, we may be able to find me something where I can at least afford where I'm living now, and be able to buy my food and medication at the same time! Dream big! Lol

In truth, I do still have big dreams, and I hope to accomplish those too. It's just going to take more creative thinking to accomplish that; that is, it's not as simple or easy as I first thought it was when I dreamed of this...

But then, is anything?

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