Wanna make your disease laugh? Tell it your plans. It's only been three days on one less milligram of prednisone, but already I'm in trouble. My digestion is not good. Each morning I wake up with terrible gut pain that saps all the energy from me. The exhaustion has stretched my morning routine from one hour to three. My sinuses and breathing are worse. And I'm cold. All. The. Time. My mood, reasonably, has tanked.
My mantra is: "Suck it up, Princess. The only way out is through."
It's frustrating and sad to have to go through this. You would think that the labs and tests from the other doctors would mean something. You would think that since all the other test came back negative, we'd want to rethink the theory. You'd think a doctor would want to avoid making me sicker. And you'd be wrong.
The world is not fair and yelling and screaming doesn't make things any better. It's a waste of energy that I don't have. I can't afford the luxury of anger, even if I am right. Challenging the authority of the doctor will get the door slammed in my face fast.
I also have to do this so I can prove to her I will "follow doctor's orders." It's a stupid game, but my doctors need to know that I stick by my promises even when no one is watching. I've got to play by their rules to get the treatment I need, even if that means unnecessary suffering.
My dad is a lawyer who does criminal defense cases. He's told me what being on probation is like. A probation officer can go so far as to demand a woman stop wearing make-up. They'll jerk you around and make your life miserable on purpose. It's all a test. Can you obey the rules? Or are you going to be sneaky and selfish?
I don't like being treated like I'm on probation just because I'm seeking help from medical professionals. But there are. No. Other. Options. I've got to have treatment so I've gotta suck this up, pull up my Big Girl pants, and soldier through.
And I've got to do it calmly and without hysteria, which is really difficult when symptoms flair. Even though it's completely reasonable for me to be upset over what I'm going through, I can't behave that way. No one can see what my disease is doing to me. When I get upset, it appears to be over nothing. Being emotional only makes me look like a drama queen.
I know I will be proven right. I can remember my calm and not be upset because I know the truth will come out. I can be patient with my doctor's bad theories and mistaken beliefs. She's gonna have to eat crow eventually. And if I want her to admit her mistake, I need to show her that I won't blow up at her. That means dealing with the current situation with dignity.
I am better than this disease. I am better than my doctors skepticism. I can do this. I can get through this to get the proper care.
And I can make it look awesome.