Saturday, April 14, 2012

#HAWMC - Confession, and describe your ideal day

Quick confession... I ducked out of yesterdays' post of "10 things you would bring if you were deserted on a desert island" post. I dislike games like that. See, if I were truly stranded, I'd not have access to my medication, and my medication keeps me alive. So, logically, all I'd want is a gun and a full clip. I don't want to suffer a slow death as my adrenals and thyroid shut down. I know what that feels like already. I don't want to ask for just one bullet and end up like Robespierre, just shooting my jaw off, instead of finishing the job the first time. And that doesn't make for a very inspiring blog post! lol

It's tough, sometimes, to fit in with everyone else. They just don't consider things like that. They don't have to. They don't know. And it's better that they don't. Life is hard enough without carrying those dark truths in your head. So I totally chickened out on yesterday's post. It's hard enough for me to live with those dark truths in my head. I'll shut down and end up just staring in horror, transfixed. That's not entirely helpful to living life. So I shove those thoughts from my head. Yup, there's a big scary monster in the room. And? It's not hurting me right now... When it's hurting me, I'll deal with that. When it's not, I'll deal with everything else. Worrying about what might happen is only useful in how it helps us be prepared and act responsibly. But we shouldn't let it consume us.

So on to today's post: "describe your ideal day." Oof... this is another one of those games that stumps me. How would my idea day be? I have no idea... my ideal day would surprise me. My imagination is limited insofar as wanting things for myself. I'll sell myself short every time! It's not that I don't want these things for myself. It's not that I feel I don't deserve them... it's just that I don't know that I want the responsibility of feeling happy. I've gone through enough despair and let-downs that I am very skeptical of happiness. I wanna know what the catch is... I want to know that I'm not going to be paying for it in the long run. That cheesecake may look and be delicious. But is it really worth the 3 hours (minimum) on the toilet that's going to follow?

My poor emotions are burnt to a crisp at this point. Just as I don't want to think about the worst case scenario, I don't want to think about the best case scenario either. Give me my safe, normal, plodding little life. I'm DONE with adventures. I'm like Frodo Baggins at the end of Lord of the Rings. I just wanna go home and rest. What I've been through already is plenty enough already.

So I guess my ideal day would be coming home to the love I don't have, to the family I don't have, and to the life I don't have. Why would I want to dream about that? All that does is set me up for a comparison---what I want versus what I can actually get. Ouch!! Heartbreak city! Longing and desperation followed by all-consuming mourning! No no no... we're not going there.

Instead, what can I do with what I've got? Dreams are phantoms. I've got reality to deal with. I may not be able to get my ideal life, but I can still make a life that I'm satisfied with here. Yes, I can reach for the stars... but if I want the mission to succeed, I've got to make sure that I can take care of every step along the way. There are a thousand things I have to do right to reach the stars, and I'm only on step 7. I don't need to be dreaming about step 999 and how I'll feel. I need to concentrate on getting from 7 to 8.

So, I apologize for not being a happy participant in these latest blog posts. These games should be fun. But that's not the reality I live with. And reality is more likely to smack me upside the head than my dreams, if I don't pay attention. I mean, if the TARDIS were to show up in my living room along with the invitation to travel in all time and space, I wouldn't pass it up. But I've got enough to keep straight in my head, so dreaming does me no good. I'm a sourpuss... don't mind me. ;^)

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