#NMAM Name That Tune! - You get what you give

For today's migraine awareness challenge, I'm to "choose a theme song for Migraine disease or your headache disorder. See if you can find a YouTube video of it for your blog post." I always have the hardest time picking songs that have to do with my illnesses. Music is my escape, my way to forget everything that's going on around me, and just get lost in the flow of the harmonies and rhythm. Migraines took one of my favorite activities from me: clubbing. So to give my migraines or my disease a song is almost... unholy. I turned to my friends for suggestions, but still got stuck. That was, until I put in a CD I created when I was in the midst of my migraines... my song is "Get What You Give," by the New Radicals.


Here are some of the lyrics:

But when the night is falling
You cannot find the light, light
You feel your dreams are dying
Hold tight

You've got the music in you
Don't let go
You've got the music in you
One dance left
This world is gonna pull through
Don't give up
You've got a reason to live
Can't forget
We only get what we give

To say that my migraines have made me want to give up on life is an understatement. I cannot tell you how many times I have just dreamed of it being OVER. No more worrying, no more trying to hold on, no more sitting, curled up in the bottom of the tub, World War V playing out in my head, wondering how there can be so much pain in the world. Surely, no one has done anything bad enough to deserve this, and I'm no where near the level of a mass-murderer, so why does it have to be me that hurts like this? Such questions would no longer beg for an answer. I'd be gone, and there'd be no more to it. But then these lyrics come through...

You feel your tree is breaking
Just then
You've got the music in you
Don't let go
You've got the music in you...

My migraines disabled me. They stole a decade of my life, and took away even my most basic abilities to take care of myself. I've felt worse than worthless... I've felt like a drain and a detriment to those around me. And yet, when I put in this song, even if I'm screaming the lyrics through clenched teeth with tears streaming down my face, somehow, the message still get through...

Don't give up
You've got a reason to live...

I didn't know what my reason for living was at that point. I knew it had to be for more than just suffering. But I also knew that if I gave up, I'd never be able to find out what that reason was. I knew that if I didn't ride out the dark times, I'd never make it to the light.

"Fly high
What's real can't die
You only get what you give
You gonna get what you give
Just don't be afraid to live"

I got this email the other day and it just broke my heart. "How do you do it? I can barely walk. My thighs won't stop hurting. My hip joints won't stop hurting. The NSAIDs only dull the pain, and they tear my tummy and intestines up. Nauseated and cramped. Can't sleep. Loopy and head-achey from lack of sleep. Can't concentrate. Moods swinging in spite of my lithium and zonisamide. Just want to cry. How do you f***ing do it?"

Let me tell you, some days, I don't. Some days, I do end up a horrible lump of screaming worthlessness. I can do nothing except concentrated on treating one wave of symptoms after the next. The whole world disappears from around me and all I have is my symptoms. There is no quality of life. Life is hell and the best thing I can do is get through. Simple tasks that other people take for granted become nightmare situations. Trying to get from where I am to the bathroom and back is like mountain climbing. Standing on my feet, long enough to feed myself, is like withstanding a prize-fighter cage-match. There's nothing graceful about it. I just try to keep going... white-knuckling my way through the minutes, one after painful other, until I feel better. Sometimes, it's more minutes than I think I can handle. But I keep going, regardless of what I think. I hung on for the last 60 seconds... I can hang on for this next 60 seconds. Repeat, repeat, repeat.

Don't give up
You've got a reason to live...

Chronic pain is soul-stealing. I can't tell you how much I've cried over everything I've lost. I can't tell you how much I've cried about the bitterness of the wisdom I've gained. There shouldn't be this much pain in the world. It shouldn't be able to last so long. And it breaks my heart that I have this in common with anyone else.

But...

If my suffering can be of some good... If my suffering can help ease the suffering of someone else... If I can be there for a friend who feels lost, or for a stranger who feels alone... that's a good thing right?

Don't let go
One dance left
Don't give up
Can't forget

I've got a reason to live.

"National Migraine Awareness Month is initiated by the National Headache Foundation. The Blogger's Challenge is initiated by www.FightingHeadacheDisorders.com."