Thursday, April 10, 2014

And the Winner is... #HAWMC

Today, Ladies and Gentleman, is a prodigious day. I have, against the better judgement of my peers and the wisdoms of the ages, been awarded winner! Ed, tell me what I've won! No seriously, what have I won, because as far as I knew I was only in the running for "crankiest neighbor" and "worst friend ever..."! At least, that's how my acceptance speach would start if I were writing it tomorrow. Honestly, though, I don't like fantasizing about such things. Not because of fear I'll jinx it, though that is part of it... No, my problem is when I get to feeling like this, it's really difficult for me to imagine a time when I'll feel good again. I can't imagine being happy like that right now. I know I was happy on Sunday, I remember that fact. But I can't recall how it felt Right now, I hurt, and that's miserable and scary. Miserable, because I can remember all the times I've felt like crap right now... That's easy to imagine! And scary, because some of this pain is new and new is never good.

According to my counselor, this difficulty in recalling the good times when we feel bad is totally normal. It's a survival mechanism because obviously the last time we felt like this we survived, so let's make sure we remember all those times again so we can get through this next round of it, your brain would say, if it could talk objectively about its own processes. It doesn't matter that all those memories are nightmares, we obviously knew what we were doing, so let's make sure that's all we can think about until we feel better. Well, don't you think it might help if I could think of feeling better so I could feel better? I would ask, if I could talk to my brain... Nah! It would retort, you don't really want to think of something else. You only just just learned how in the last 50,000 years or so. That "feeling" part? That's a much older part of your brain, so it wins all arguments, even illogical ones.

Great... I even lose arguments with myself!

Seriously though, it is difficult to imagine anything good happening to me when I'm in the middle of hosting a pain parade through my cranium. I know I'd be able to play along with today's writing assignment if I weren't praying for my own swift demise (just make it STOP!). It would actually be a lot of fun to imagine just how'd I'd earned something like that. I could really challenge myself to say that I could only win based on something that I am NOT know for at all right now, and see if that helps me imagine new and fun things I could try in the future. The very process of figuring all that out would make me hopeful under normal circumstances.

Under chronic-illness circumstances, all it does is make me ask myself why I screwed up that one time I was nominated, and why does my disease have to steal everything positive from my life? All I had to do was send in an email and a URL. How hard is that? Apparently very... Who knew? But that's the kind of awful stuff my brain will lock onto when I feel physically bad. As if feeling physically like crap isn't enough, I also have to convince myself that I am crap, and this is probably all my fault just because it's happening to me. Of course I have my own brain to thank for this line of thinking, which really makes me wonder if my whole body isn't out to get me.

And the winner for Most Effective Use of Self-Sabotage goes to.... Pam's Body!

Thank you everyone! Good evening, and thank you for coming out. It been such a privilege to work with such an amazing group of organs. Skin, you're always overlooked even though you're the largest organ. You know the levels of pain this project required could not have been possible without you. Nervous System, always the life of the party, your antics really put us over the top this year. Your lightning fast ability to produce special effects is so amazing, it stopped me in my tracks! Endocrine System, your vast hormonal depths are still a mystery in many ways. Your contributions, partnering up with the brain for pituitary disease is legendary, we couldn't have done all this without you! Finally, Brain.... Brain... What can I say? You are the brains of this organization! Seriously, though, your ability to cause anguish is without par. Even the kidney stones are jealous, can you believe it? Do you know how hard it is to impress a stone? And beyond that, you added a deep psychological anguish that showed your true range as an actor. We were on the edge of our seats for, "I am Worthless Because I'm Worth Less," and who can forget how you opened our hearts with, "I'm Single & Deserve It"? My favorite is still, "You Hurt Because God Hates You," but I'm sentimental like that. Thank you again, everyone! As Pam's Body, I cannot tell you how much this award means to me!

Now that I could totally see!

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