Saturday, April 12, 2014

When You Don't Get What You Need #HAWMC

How can I #ask for what I #want, when I can't get what I #need? That question hit me like a psychological bomb this afternoon. Mornings for me are generally difficult and full of negative thoughts, and I've learned to just ignore my brain until my morning meds have kicked in. That's just safer for everyone. But this though hit me right around noon, long after my better living through chemistry kicked in. This was a thought explosion that required further investigation. Since today is Blogger's Choice, I'm choosing this: How can I ask for what I want, when I can't get what I need?"

Sounds like the line from a Country-Western song about heartache and loss... And to be fair, it is about heartache and loss. Add a line before it about the season, and it becomes a Japanese Haiku: Morning sun turns frost into dew. How can I ask for what I want, When I can't get what I need? It's a question that's more Goth than Amanda Palmer in a Death costume. It just drips with teen-aged angst and insecurity. Only it's coming out of my head at fourty because my friend invited me to sushi.

The thoughs went like this. Oh, cool, sushi! I could totally be frugal and have something delicious. I'd never think of doing this on my own, what a delightful idea! I should think of other frugal ways to spend time with my friends, because I don't invite them over, and I really should. We had such fun when Mike had everyone come over for drinks. I should be more spontaneous like that. I know I used to be... I wonder ...

Here's where I should have stopped. It's as though I were driving on a mountain road, and suddenly a darkness descended. I could see the turn in the road, but it was too late, the thought had too much momentum, I couldn't turn away from the idea that sprung up next. I swerved to avoid it, but to no avail! Over the cliff I went...

I wonder why I don't do that anymore. (Turn now!) I used to do that all the time when I was younger. (Look out! Swerve to miss it!) I wonder why I lost my spontaneousness? (No good! You're over-correcting!) It wouldn't be too hard to clean this place up & invite folks over. (Too late...) But I'm in too much pain to even make lunch. (We told you so...) How can I ask for what I want, when I can't get what I need? Boom.

And suddenly it all made sense why it was so difficult to take time out to care for myself, or to suggest fun activities, or invite people over. It's not that I don't want to do those things, I do! It's not that I don't have a circle of friends to ask, I do! But there's this awful noise coming off this hole, see... And I'm trying to fill up the hole so that we can have some peace & quiet in here again, but the damn thing won't. fill. up! It's maddening... Hey, can you give me a hand? Grab that shovel...

For all the time I spend lost in thought, there are lots of things I would just rather not think about - what I'm going to wear (if I could wear a uniform and just not have to think about matching slacks & blouses), what I'm going to eat (I can seriously eat the same 3 meals for months...I'm doing it right now, in fact), how to wear my hair (out of my face and off my skin - military cut for a girl? Right here). These things, to me, are things that take time away from doing. I'd much rather do stuff. But so much of my time is spent managing this symptom or that flare, that when I get to times when nothing is going wrong---my window for fun---I usually just spend it exhausted, trying to recover from shoveling remedies into that giant hole of need.

It made me realize, not only do I believe I can't ask for the things I want in life, but I'm also VERY angry at my body. Unfortunately, yelling at it means I'm yelling at me. My body, as much as I would like to think my consciousness is separate, is an integral part of who I am. My body *is* doing the best it can. It's just broken! It can't help that it's broken. And I need to forgive it more. Poor thing, it's gone through so much and been pushed so hard when it wasn't getting all it's done amazingly well to operate under the deficiencies I've dealt with. It's supported my mind, and my ability to see myself through some hairy situations. It deserves more credit that I've given it. And, boy, does it look good for 40!

So step one: Stop getting angry at my body when it's not doing what I want.
Step two: Forgive my body for not allowing me what I want.
Step three: Take care of my body's needs with gratitude.
Step four: Find frugal ways to have more fun with my friends. (I *do* deserve it, and if I'm careful, it *can* be good for me.
Step five: Continue my work to better my health & function.

Even if not all my needs are met, I can have what I want, if I'm clever & careful. The good news? I'm clever. The bad news? I'm also impulsive. I can still be okay with that combination, as long as don't let my "failed attempts" drag me down. I think that can help me get some of my mojo back. But my big fear is always spoiling everyone's time with my health problems. It's happened many times before, and I know it can happen again, suddenly and without warning. I think I can he careful enough to show myself it is possible to have what I want. Time will tell.

I'll keep you posted! ;)

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