Monday, April 14, 2014

Favorite Things #HAWMC [LATE]

Today is my list of favorite things... And I've had a surprising amount of difficulty writing this one today. You would this this one would be simple--- everyone has a list of favorite things, right? Or at least everyone will have fun thinking about what are the things that are favorite to them, right? But you see, it's not so much like my mind is a dark alley and you're going to get mugged, more like my mind is that bad part of town where they may not find your body.

I know that someday, big wind come, take this all away. That was the wisdom of an old Hawaiian woman after surviving a horrible hurricane that basically took everything she had, except her life. But she always had a smile, always was quick to laugh. That her life had been shredded was no big deal to her. When asked what her secret was, she answered, Someday, Big Wind come... Take this All away.

Ya know how I finally got pain control? I had spend years going through expensive elaborate nerve conduction tests, MRIs, PET scans, CT scans, bionic devices, the works! All to try and figure out why I was in so much pain. I finally got the right diagnosis and the right medication from a simple pin. A PIN!! You mean after all those tests, all those years spent suffering and on disability, all my problems are solved by a pin?!

I was so angry, SO angry to have it turn out to be that simple. But you can't stay angry once you've got pain control because you're free. It's not worth it to stay angry because this is what you've been waiting for. You've wanted to be able to go all this time, so GO! And I went...

But then this weird fatigue started up. Fatigue immune to caffeine in all it's many forms, fatigue immune to sleep. My dentist commented on my teeth, and I was hospitalized for low potassium, when that's not normal for adrenal disease. Run the tests with an endocrinologist and my GFR came back showing Stage 3a Chronic Kidney Disease. Well, now... That explains the fatigue & the rest!

Now I'm haunted by all the what-ifs... What if they had medicated me sooner. What if I'd been able to work these past 6 years, instead of crippled by symptoms? What if I never had to leave Seattle?

I have to remember: some day big wind come, take it all away. This world is not about what we get to keep. Because we don't get to keep a thing in the end. Do I love my things? Sure! As much if not more than the day I got them. I'm sentimental like that. But someday, big wind come....

I cannot let my love turn into endless grief. I cannot let my anger keep me in the past. When I am free, I must move on as fast as I can. What-ifs never help me. Getting up and getting over it does.

My favorite things? Whatever is currently with me. Nothing more, nothing less. :)

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